A few months ago, the business sections of .com all over the world were filled with articles about the “boomerang”, an imaginary trend after which business dropouts discover that weed is in fact not no greener on the other side and crawling back to their former employers. Like this piece from March by Forbes:
According to experts like Anthony Klotz, who predicted and invented the Great Quit Phenomenon, the next big hiring trend is the influx of “boomerang workers” – people who quit their jobs and are now coming back into the company. These workers present a potentially untapped pool of candidates as companies continue to struggle to fill vacancies.
Your workplace might have a few more familiar faces as the continuing wave of big quits gives rise to the boomerang employee – a former worker who returns to the company after a time away.
Boomerang employment is on the rise in general thanks to technology helping people stay connected over time, says Brian Swider, a University of Florida management professor and boomerang employee expert.
It’s a bit of wishful thinking to imagine swaths of people who left in a sharp U-turn only to crawl back weeks or months after quitting, but the boomerang Is exist and people have been doing it in the Big 4 since the dawn of time. Take this post as a reminder not to set the bridge on fire behind you as you make your triumphant exit from the business responsible for your crippling mental health issues and flabby thighs. In case. After all, we are heading straight into a recession and who knows what will happen in the future. It’s not April 3, 1865, you don’t need to set the city on fire on your way out.
If you insist on going out with a bang, make it a big bang. Like the Craig who wrote the “Get Together Like Butts” email:
The first breaking point for EY was during my 2 years on the team when I lost inventory and a senior executive’s female dog kept nagging me about it. Dude, I told you I lost it. No matter how many emails or times you send to me, this sheet does not come back. Move on. Rose cried less when the Titanic sank. Needless to say he personally wrote my review. Did not go too well during the round tables.
Or the former PwC auditor who burned bridges and then pissed all over the bridges to put out the fire. Just a small sample of his 1,061 insane goodbye emails:
[Team Member #1], you are fake important and you stink. I watched your game…constantly trying to throw myself under the bus. You talk too much about everyone and how stressed you are with all your clients… We suffer every day hearing this as well as listening to your countless stories about your girlfriend. You’re so talkative that sometimes I think you’re more feminine than you look. Who do this ? You are an adult, take your life! #somethingtobringintoizzy #f*getoutofhere #yourfilthylifeandyouclearlyhavethem #somethingtobringintotheteam? #chattycathy #femininelot? #someoneneedstheirvag waxed #ohwaityoudonthaveone
PS [Team Member #1], I don’t give a fuck about your animals, servants, brother, etc. Is your life so boring? Never seen such animal loving people in life. #ewwnotcomingovertoyourplace #probsmellslikefecesandvomup #diapersprobtornup #ohletmepensetheysleepinyourbed #absolutelydisgusting | Ask friends to talk about your business. #ohwaitdrakesaidnonewfriends #maybeyouneedjesusinstead #yourvisionofyourselfissewed #takeyourselfdownacoupleofnotches #youhavenotarrivedimsorry #crownforthequeenbey #ohandbythewaycelinedioncannottouchbey #beyhivebitches
[Team Member #2], I saw you giving me sideways eyes yesterday. I think those eyeballs need to be readjusted. Girl, stop! Don’t play in [Team Member #1]the episodes. Just because you both feel the need to tell your life story doesn’t mean other people will feel the same way. Have your own opinions and ideas. #I’msorry butnotsorry #dontbeafollower #thoseeyeballswerestaringtoohardforcomfort #goodluckonyourmiserablecrapofacareeratpwc #saygoodbyetoyoursociallife #butifyoudecidetoleaveyoucantwerkoutwiththerestofus #twerkmileymileytwerk
[Team Member #3], Where do I start? You hate yourself and your job, let’s be honest. Your cat doesn’t care about you so stop caring. The stories about your naughty cat are unbearable. Seriously, I can’t even cope. Beyond gross! You are a fake ratchet! I hear you making some weird remarks that border on weird…I can definitely hear the twang in your voice. Be yourself!
Any good therapist will tell you to keep a journal if you’re drowning in feelings, so if you feel compelled to write a goodbye email worthy of the Going Concern Hall of Farewell goodbye emails, type this shit in the notebook, spit frustration all over Reddit, punch a few walls, then sit down to write a short, sweet note to your team. “I enjoyed working with all of you.” END.
Chances of you crawling back are low but not zero. Factor in that tiny little percentage, then go ahead and live your best paid life of 40 hours a week as the Big 4 gets smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror.
Le Boomerang: Who said you couldn’t return to public accounting?
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